Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
