why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
