Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
