I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I could fuck to npr.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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