Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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