Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
