I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
