The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
