I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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