hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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