Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
