Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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