I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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