Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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