I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
