Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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