he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
