I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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