I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
