in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
