My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
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Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
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I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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