Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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