I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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