she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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