I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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