1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
