My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
