I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
