she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
