I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
