Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
please don't ironically join a cult
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