Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
