You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
