Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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