yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
