don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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