I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
