Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
