I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he fucked my hip out of place.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
