I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
