lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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