There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
