"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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