i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
