dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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