Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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