just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
