So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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