Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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