drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I touched a dick in church today
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
