I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he was CRYING into my vagina
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
