Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Mom said you looked used
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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