Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
did you just send me my own nude
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
