your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
