i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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