We named our party play list daddy issues
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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