How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
