I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
